I don't know what it is, but there are some sins that the Church has trouble talking about. It's like somehow these sins are more severe than the others, and just mentioning them will cause us all to stumble. Please. The first problem with that is the gospel, there is no sin more powerful than Jesus (he showed that by raising from the dead after taking on our wrongs). The second problem with that is us, we make excuses about not mentioning the unmentionables because then we'll have to confess stuff we want hidden.
These unmentionables take root in the lives of believers and because no one is talking about them, they just stay in hiding. People, or couples, or families, try to deal with it all on their own while trying to put on a mask to make others think they've got it all together. And, since no one mentions these things, there's never opportunity to bring it up and they don't want to be the awkward ones so they keep on silently struggling. Even more, people suffering think they must be the only ones, that they are somehow more dirty than the rest of us and if other believers really knew what was going on, they'd be shunned. If your community shuns you after confession, please hear me: you are in the wrong place. Suffering, or struggling, with sin is not to be done alone. We are all struggling in one way or another. We're not meant to struggle alone, but together. In biblical community, after a confession, you will be prayed for and loved, and the community will help lead you back to Jesus. But biblical community is another post entirely...
These unmentionables have power over people because they are not mentioned. So, let's bring one one to light now, shall we? This one has probably come up at least a dozen times in the last year among families that we live our lives with: PORNOGRAPHY
I recently read this post from the blog We are THAT Family. She sited some statistics when talking about divorce, and I thought the following were utterly ridiculous:
75%
of men surveyed think it's okay to visit an adult website
54%
of men do no believe that online affairs are adultery
30%
of cyber affairs escalate from e-mail to telephone calls to personal contact
1/3
of divorce litigation is cause by online affairs
Ridiculous, right? That first 75%, the ones that think it's ok to visit an adult website, just boggles my mind. I'm pretty sure they don't honestly think that it's ok, it's more what they tell themselves so they don't have feel bad about what they're already doing.
If those statistics aren't enough to prove it's not ok to visit an adult website, based on what it does to marriages and divorce rates, lets talk about some other reasons:
- Speak to a wife whose husband has confessed this and let her tell you how it affects her self-image, her marriage, her view of sex, or opinion of her husband.
- Consider the people on these adult websites, there is absolutely no concern for their souls. On these sites, they are merely a means to an end without any concern for what might have happened in their lives to get them to that point. And, let's be honest, the only reason the people on these sites are better than your spouse is because they don't know you. If they knew your weaknesses and struggles, like your spouse does you wouldn't find it as nearly as satisfying.
This is not a one-sided problem. Women can very much struggle with the same thing. Don't let the unmentionable become the fact that this is not only a struggle only for men but sometimes women too. (I've only talked as if the man is doing these things for simplicity's sake.)
Now that we have established porn is bad and porn is a struggle--both for men and women--let's talk about how we can help each other through this struggle.
To the one struggling with interacting with pornography:
- CONFESS, confess, confess, and confess again. Tell people in the community you trust that you look at it or want to look at it. The reason this sin is so pervasive is because no one talks about it. Already done this? Do it again. Every time it is something you wrestle with, have someone that you tell. In biblical community, confession should be a common thing, without any judgement.
- Repent. When M & I used to teach the 1st graders at church what repentance was, we were told to teach it as a 2 step process: 1. turning away from whatever bad thing you are doing and 2. running toward Jesus instead. Don't take the sin lightly. It is not only a sin against your spouse (or future spouse), but a sin against God himself. That should be a heavy and weighty thing. Confession is good, turning from it is good, but what makes it even better is running toward Jesus. Realize what it cost God to forgive you of your sin, and rest in the fact that you are completely forgiven and even adopted into his family in spite of your wrongs. Let that be a freeing truth, whatever the sin may be, don't be enslaved to it.
- Get to the heart. I promise you, simply looking at porn is not the entire problem. There's more to it--figure out what that is. Are you going to porn for relief because you're stressed? I'd bet it might provide relief for a bit, but an hour later you're stressed again. Figure out what's causing the stress, what your sin is in that stress, what does scripture say about what is stressing you, and what practical steps can be taken to ease it. Pray about those things. Are you going to porn because you're having trouble with your spouse? It's probably because your spouse knows your weaknesses and this imaginary internet person you've made up doesn't. If you're frustrated with your spouse, ask yourself if you're pursuing her/him the way you should be, or are you just angry at him/her for doing exactly what you're doing. Talk to your spouse, seek marriage counseling, pray and ask the Lord to mend you.
And finally, and most dear to my heart, to the spouses of people struggling with this sin:
- I am so sorry, I know it is heartbreaking. Don't start believing the lies that so easily come after finding this out. This is not a reflection of your beauty. Don't let the evil one's hold continue in this any further by letting him tell you that it means you are inadequate. It simply isn't true. This is a sin between your spouse and God, it is not a reflection of you.
- I promise there is redemption in this. Let's begin by thanking the Lord for his grace in bringing your spouse's struggle to light. It is better that you fight this together than not fight it at all. There is sweetness in healing this wound once it's opened, I promise. It's not an overnight healing, but it's worth the fight.
- You don't need to know the details. It's not going to be helpful to you to know the whens and hows and whats and whys. General confession is good. If it's your husband struggling, make sure he's in a community with guys where he can confess the details. Let the guys hold him accountable to the whens and wheres. Details should be for his community of guys (not to be shared with other wives), and could be more harmful for you.
- Mourn the sin, it's ok for it to hurt, but also help your husband fight it. Just like with any other sin, we want to come along side him and find ways we can encourage him toward Jesus. Jesus forgave you, so you know what forgiveness looks like, let's learn to extend it towards our husbands. This will be something we have to fight for, and only Jesus can show us how.
- While we help our husbands fight, let's find practical things we can do: do things together rather than leave him home alone, plan to leave the computer in the car instead of bring it into the home when he will be alone, try to help him avoid times when he is tempted, and most importantly discuss together what you can do to make sure he is comfortable confessing these things to you when it happens again.
- Though we wish after a confession struggles would magically disappear, the reality is that they rarely do. This fight will most likely occur more than once. Keep forgiving, keep encouraging, keep seeking wisdom in scripture and community, keep putting in practical steps to avoid it, and keep praising Jesus for his grace in a conviction that leads to repentance.
Don't let the unmentionables destroy you or your marriage. They lose all power when confessed and fought against. "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee." {James 4:7} In repentance you'll find Jesus. It'll be messy and painful, but the freedom found in reconciliation and living out an other-worldly forgiveness will be some of the richest joys you've ever tasted. It's worth the fight.
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